What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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