His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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