you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
The adults are the big ones right?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
