Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
