Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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