god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
