You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I just gargled with NyQuil
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize