turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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