Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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