She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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