we have pet lesbian snakes
I just pynch a tree in the face
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
NoShamevember. You game?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
