Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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