census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
it was like eating out sand paper
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Randomize
