the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Randomize
