I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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