My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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