I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
