I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
