I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
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