if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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