just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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