She just used a chaser for red wine.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
