she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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