if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
