Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
