Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
