I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I forget how to act sober
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