It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
