they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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