Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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