I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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