all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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