Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
