Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize