Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
