i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
