Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
