worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
