I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Randomize
