Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
