you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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