All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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