found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I need to align my fucking chakras
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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