And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
