I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
