we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize