wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
No I am not eating basil off your cock
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
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