Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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