I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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