Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Randomize
