so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
