Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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