I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
