Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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