I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
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