ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
