You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
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