My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
